Wednesday 14 May 2014,
So yesterday I mentioned I want to be more honest and share the trials in life, just so you know that there are other people who’ve maybe gone through the same problems you have and have made it through, not by my own power but by the strength God has given me.
It’s not always easy, as I’m sure you all know. But when you trust God it’s just so worth it.
The move went well. Although I’m not even half way unpacked I am here and taking it one day at a time. There is so much work to do and I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. There is so much to repair, fill, paint and fix. But I know when its all done it would have been worth the wait.
The day I moved back to Talton I almost decided to return to Kimberley. Let me tell you a bit of what happened…
I got Home and my mom was happy to see me. When my dad got home he greeted me half heartedly. Like he wasn’t even happy to see me at all. That hurt more than I can describe. It felt like he didn’t really want me here. In between he made comments on everything I did or didn’t do. He made me feel inadequate. I felt lost, alone and like I’ve made a mistake in moving back. I started doubting that what I had thought was right, was a huge mistake.
Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever felt you could run away? But there is just no place to run to. That no matter where you went or did, you never fit in? Where to?
So here I am sharing truthfully: My whole life I’ve felt that way. I felt like running but there was no place to go. When I was little I kept praying I could leave home. Home wasn’t a place I felt happy. I always felt like I had to prove my worth. (More about that at a later stage.)
My daughter was crying all the time in the prior weeks that passed because my dad (her grandad) doesn’t allow animals in the house and because of her hormones changing (she is in her teens).
She was used to Cloe sleeping on her bed with her. Now Cloe and buddy was left outside. That in turn got my husband uptight and moody and fighting with me. He also felt that my decision was a mistake.
Oh I wanted to run, but didn’t have anywhere to turn to. We haven’t been getting along and the tension just went up a notch. I’ve always had to fight my own battles and work things out for myself and have been feeling hopeless.
I read this piece in a newsletter by Marianne Williamson, which said: I’ve been battling, more than I thought I would. And I’ve been thinking, more than I should. I am reminded of my past, the brokenness, the hurt, betrayal and ignorance. But I know the One who holds my future.
There are so many things we keep to ourselves, afraid others would judge us if we said anything. Afraid.. What is afraid? I used to think my greatest fear was inadequacy. I believed these words for a very long time. You could never do that. You aren’t good enough. You cannot make a difference. You will fail.
But the day I said yes to something bigger than my capability, I discovered being inadequate -not having all the answers, not being successful, not being enough these weren’t my deepest fears. My deepest fear was rooted in the unleashing of my yes. I realized the unbelievable, unspeakable power of that little word would thrust me into an unknown world of faith-walking and desperation for Jesus.
And that terrified me.
Because I’m still inadequate. No matter what I do, what I learn, there’s always something I don’t know. We cannot rescue or save or even get our kids to listen half the time. How dare we have the audacity to help another human being?
I live in that place. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Those words were as if it were my own. It was as if she was taking my words and putting it onto paper. She definitely captured all I wanted to say, and all that was in my heart.
I would really like to be honest on my blogs, share my heart, my life, my trials, my past, my faith and my journey in life… even when I fail I want to share it knowingly.
I want to make a difference. And motivate you by reminding you that even with all of your faults. God loves you….
No matter what, He will forgive you.
1 John 1:9 reads: But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and …. He grants repentance, He gives the remission of sin; in doing of which He is ….
Ezekiel 36:25 Then will I sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean: …
I pray that the blood of Jesus will wash us once again in our attempt to plead His forgiveness in our lives and for you to know His powerful love.
Living by faith, with hope, for love, In grace.
With love always