I remember saying I would always be honest on my blog and share my heart. I’ve been really quiet for a few weeks contemplating of how honest I would be… or not and if ever!!

How many of us are really, utterly and completely honest? With everything we go through and do we share with those who cross your path? Even up to the point that it hurts? Are you afraid of the messes in your life? Are you afraid of sharing them? So much to think about, right? Well? And do we share those messes? Isaiah 61:3 I believe that God lets us go through messes so we are able to help others in exactly the same situations. I do not have all the answers but I do know this… That for everything there is a time… Ecclesiastes 3:1

I’m sure many of you have seen the movie Fireproof. It’s based on a story and not real life. And in real life? Would it be possible to actually achieve the goal of loving your spouse even if they didn’t deserve it?

In my life and marriage I’ve had many ups and downs. To be honest, more downs than ups. When I was young I got married for the wrong reasons and somehow thought I’d be able to change him. But he hasn’t. Not in the way I’ve wanted him to. And I’m sure in his head he had the same notion than I did. We both changed… But not in the way we thought.

Don’t get me wrong. He is a good man and would probably do anything to make me Happy. But there is a problem with that. You see, he has tried serving God to make me happy and not because he wants a relationship with God. And that’s probably why we just can’t seem to get past the mess I feel were in.

The day I changed is when I gave it all to God. I realised that what I wanted when I was younger, now just didn’t mean so much to me anymore. I want a godly man who serves God with all his heart. Who leads our family by example. Who honors and treats me like his beloved bride. Someone I can share my love for God with. Spend time with. Be as important to him as he is to me.

And I don’t have that. With all my heart I want that, I want to be loved. I want my husband to pray for and with me, but in our marriage I’m not even close to that dream. And that is where I’ve been stuck since I don’t know when.

I have so many questions that need answering. Would I keep pursuing this man whom I have been with for most my life, or would I give up on love?

Someone (who had a big impact in my life) once said to me “it’s not about what he did, but about how you handle the situation. Ultimately you will give account to God for what you did someday, and not for what the other person did. You need to do the right thing even when it’s the hardest thing in the world. You’re accountable for your actions and not of the other person who breaks your heart.”

But what about him I would ask and the answer is still the same, “you have to do the right thing, you will be accountable for your actions and not those he gives”. That’s one of the toughest lessons I’ve ever had to face.

What is the right thing? I cannot answer that, because if I did I would be doing the human thing. Thinking with my heart and not my mind. I know that God hates divorce. Malachi 2:6. And in 1 Corinthians 7:15 He gives us pardon for divorce. But there are rules.

All I can do is wait on God and pray that He will give me an answer. I do not want to go against His will for my life. After all He is the One who knows me better than I know myself. And He loves me in spite of my many faults.

So this is where I’m at. Do I leave or do I say? Do I trust God to make a way? Maybe change him? Am I willing to wait? Am I willing to love him even when he doesn’t deserve my love?

Praying to God to show me the way… Do I leave or do I stay???

With love Always
Zaskia
Living By Faith, With hope, For love, In grace

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