Before you read this, remember you have to walk a mile in someone shoes before you can really know who they are to judge them. So I ask you to please rethink, use your words carefully before you leave a comment…
So I was kind of featured in the Finesse magazine of this month on page 60. What I mean is that I wrote to them to share a story and how I felt about me.. Oh that sound so selfish… Wait, Let me try to explain, rephrase!!
You see the thing is they posted a question on facebook and I answered them by mail because I realise how many people actually have a problem with who they are or what they think of themselves. Me being one of them.
… I’m not being naive when I say that there are so many beautiful women out there that do not know there worth. Sadly because of so many people in their life that has made them believe that they are worth nothing. Or they were so badly hurt that they could never pick themselves back up again..
The reason I accepted the offer of them publishing it is to help the awareness of people who feel that way. I was hoping to help people know who they are in Christ…
I have to remind myself daily…
So, back to the article…
I felt that they lost the essence of what I was trying to say. They used their words, not mine. What I mean is, I had to make it shorter and they approved the example. And even then the essence of the whole story is lost. I so wouldhave wanted them to read the whole e-mail instead.
And as for my photo.. Larger than life. Okay, I have issues…
Especially when people take photos of me. I like to edit all the flaws and imperfections out of them before I post any. Or share any. But In this one I had to be real..
Someone people could relate to. They wanted an unedited photo. Nooooo, really. You have no idea what that took of me!! More than guts. I had to pray about it and closed my eyes when I sent it. Leaving a sigh that left me glum..
So I sent one. Not one of my best but hey, I reckoned it would be small and hidden… Really, they could have kept it simple. And now, a big photo of me so people will take notice…
And what will they say? I can already hear the criticism, the gossip.. the slander!! What was I thinking? I try to be an example, and I know I fall short, oh in more ways than one. I want to be an example, a good one.. and now I’m not so sure what they will think of this example!!
It’s at times like these that I feel so imperfect. Yes, I said it, imperfect!!!
Oh, I have many issues and they are my issues (which are obviously shared with God). After all He knows my heart. He is the one who made me. The one I share my hurts, my hopes and dreams with… My heart with!
So here is what I said in my e-mail to them:
As jy na my foto kyk sal jy dink daar skort niks. Photoshop doen wondere daarvoor maar wat van in regte lewe? Ek moet bieg, ek voel nie soos my foto vir mense lyk nie. Ek het nie mooi tande nie en my hare val nie reg nie, my gesig is bietjie pof, ek het n dubbel ken en ‘n rol om my lyf en ‘n hele paar sproete. Die fyn lyntjies begin nou op my gesig wys en ek voel af, ongelukkig en nie seker hoe om dit te verwerk nie.
If You look at my photo’s you will think that there couldn’t possibly be anything wrong. Photoshop does wonders, but what about real life? I have to be honest. I don’t see myself the way people see me when they looked at my photo. I don’t have nice teeth, and my hair doesn’t always fall the way I want it to. As if that weren’t enough I have a puffy face, a double chin and a roll around my waist plus quite a few freckles. Not to mention the fine lines showing on my face as I’m starting to age. I’m not quite sure how to deal with that.
Van kleins af is ek ‘n lelike eendjie gedoop by my laerskool. Kinders het my gespot en seuns het my hare getrek. Net die populere girls het die mooi ouens gekry. Ek was nog nooit die mooiste nie en altyd tweede gestaan as ouens na meisies kyk. Toe ek uiteindelik in die hoerskool verlief raak vry my vriendin hom af. Ek het gevoel dat ek nie mooi genoeg is nie. Wat is dan so fout met my dat hy my los vir iemand anders.
From a young age people in school christened me as the ugly duckling. The children made fun of me and the boys liked pulling my hair. Just the popular girls got the cool guys. I’ve never been pretty enough, especially when a guy had to look for a girl. Eventually when I got to high school I got a great boyfriend, but my friend took him away from me. I felt like I wasn’t pretty enough. What is wrong with me that he would choose someone else?
Ek dink ek voel nog altyd so. Ek moes nog altyd kompeteer vir liefde en aandag. Ek wou selfs modelwerk begin doen, net om uit te vind ek is te kort. Tekort kominge, wats nuus? Ek wou sing, maar te bang wat mense sou sê. Nou kruip ek agter n kamera weg as ek tussen vreemdes is sodat hulle my nie maklik raaksien nie en neem fotos vir n vale. Maar dit maak nie die gat in my binneste toe nie.. Ek voel steeds nie mooi genoeg nie.
I think I have always felt this way. I’ve always had to compete for love and attention. I even wanted to do modeling, just to find out that I am too short. Flaws, what’s news? I wanted to sing but was too afraid of what people would say. Now I hide behind my caamer when im in in company I don’t know and just take photos so they wont notice me. But that just doenst close the hole in my heart. I still feel like I’m not pretty enough.
En wanneer mense my sou kompimenteer sê ek dankie, maar binne my wonder ek of hul dit net sê en of hulle dit werklik bedoel. En of hulle bybedoeling het met wat hulle sê. Ek voel baie self bewus in alles wat ek aantrek. Maak die broek my boude groot lyk. En sit my hemp nie dalk te styf sodat jy my rol raaksien nie. Ek wens ek kon meer soos die gym poppie in die tydskrif lyk. Of mooi dik hare hê soos die meisie op die advertensie. En tande soos die meisie wat tandepaste adverteer. Hoe ‘n mens jou met almal vergelyk!
And when people would compliment me, I would say thank you, but in my heart I would wonder if they really meant what they said. Or if they had any hidden agenda. I always feel self conscious in everything I wear. Doenst this pants make my bum look big? And doenst my shirt sit a littlee too tight so people can see the roll I have around my waist? I wish I could look more like the gym bunny on the ffront of the magazine. Or maybe have thick hair like the girl on the advertisement.. oh and teeth like the girl on the toothpaste advert. How I seem to compare myself to others!
Ek het selfs ‘n gedig geskryf oor hoe ek voel.
I even wrote a poem about how I feel.
Is beauty enough?
Am i good enough,
Am i brave enough,
To get me through?
What is beauty
If only a word?
I cant compare
Its so absurd.
I look at myself
Dont see what you see
I have eyes
When i see me!
I look at the scars
the fine lines of age
the teeth i hide
with my smile
if only for a little while..
i look at myself
dont see what you see
i look at myself
and only see
the imperfect me…
My twee vriendinne is plomperig maar hulle is so gelukkig in hul vel. En ek, hoekom voel ek so ontevrede met hoe ek lyk? Hoekom voel ek dat ek nie mooi genoeg, maer genoeg of slim genoeg is nie? Die antwoord hierop weet ek nie.
Two of my friends are a bit chubby but they seem to be so happy in their skin. And what about me? Why do I feel so ungrateful with how I look? Why do I feel like im not pretty enough, skinny enough or clever enough? The answer to this I do not know!
En ek voel omgekrap omdat ek so ontevrede is. Maak dit my ‘n slegte mens? En dan begin al die vrae van voor af…
I feel angry because of how ungrateful I am. Does that make me a bad person? And then all the questions just start over in my head…
Maar ek bid elke dag dat ek myself kan sien soos my Pappa God my geskape het. I am wonderfully and fearfully made by His hand. Maak nie saak hoe ek oor myself voel nie, weet ek in my binneste dat ek vir Hom genoeg is. Hy ken my immers beter as enige mens en weet waarmee ek stoei. My Pappa God wat my geskape het.
But every day I pray that I will see myself as my papa in heaven sees me. I am wonderfully and fearfully made by His hand. No matter how I feel about myself, I know that I am enough for Him. He knows me better than anyone and knows my issues. My papa God who created me.
En al voel ek nou nie gelukkig met myself nie, weet ek dat ek miskien eendag myself deur Sy oë sal kan sien, miskien neem dit dalk net ‘n rukkie langer as wat ek dit sou wou hê.
Even though at times I’m not happy with who I am, I know that someday I will be able to see myself through His eyes, and maybe it will take just a little bit longer than I would have wanted it to be.
And this was the edited version;
“Zaskia sê sy was op skool die lelike eendjie omdat seuns haar gespot het en haar hare getrek het. Sy was ook op hoërskool onpopulêr en toe sy verlief raak, vry haar vriendin haar kêrel af. Vandag is sy getroud en alhoewel sy weet dat God haar hart ken en haar liefhet nes sy is, worstel sy steeds met die vraag: is ek mooi genoeg en hoe skud ek daadie onsekerheid vir altyd af?”
Zaskia said that she felt like an ugly duckling in school because boys made fun of her and pulled her hair. She was also unpopular in High school and when she fell inlove her friend took him away from her. Today she is married and even though she knows that God knows her heart and loves her just the way she is, she still struggles with this question: am I pretty enough, and how do I get rid of this feeling forever?
I do hope you get the essence of what I was trying to say… And not what the edited said!!
Papa, I pray that people will take note of what I meant, not what they read. That God would open their hearts to reach into themselves and see how beautiful You made them to be and will look past who they think they are and believe what You say they are. In Jesus name I pray. With love and much thanksgiving. Amen.
Here is what scripture has to say:
For you have been fearfully and wonderfully made
You were knit together in your mother’s womb
I knew you before you were born
I know the number of hairs on your head
I want you to realise how special you are to Christ. How He values you. You are precious in His eyes… You are beautiful enough!!!
Today my prayer for you is to see yourself as God sees you… His child… loved beyond measure. Have a great weekend!!
With Love always