03.01.2014 – Friday

My dear sweet friends…

Digging deep today, and hurting…

It’s supposed to be a new year with new challenges. Who would have thought that my challenge would be this, especially after me deciding that I wanted to make a change for the better. I read somewhere that you have to be the change you want to see in the world. I wanted to do just that. Actually I thought that is what I was doing before I started this page.

You see, I make a point of posting phrases and feelings that are close to my heart to encourage and motivate people to trust God on facebook. I post scripture verses and of course blogs or pages I follow. Not just for those who need it but for myself. I need it. I need Gods word to fill me, His heart to love me and His words to heal me and lead me… I thought by posting these things people might change their hearts and trust God more. Now I’m not so sure.

The world is filled with broken people all wanting an outlet to their fears, hopes and dreams. I’m merely a vessel. Probably more of a broken one. With holes and cracks.
But a vessel none the less… with the holes so people can see my heart and water that leaks so I can touch others in need. At least that is what I was hoping for…

I’ve never felt that I measure up to much, especially not to this world and what it seems to think of me. But I know what God thinks of me… His word is true.. I can count on Him…

This past week didn’t at all turn out what I thought it would. I was told that I don’t live by the posts I put up. That I’m a fraud!! I think that broke me more than I’m willing to admit. It was like a stab with a knife, no, actually it is much worse. It hurts in more ways than one.

I’m digging deep within myself and I don’t like what I see. It broke me in more ways than you can imagine but I’m also beginning to see the hurts I haven’t dealt with. I’m feeling broken and ashamed, a failure, unworthy…

So many mixed emotions going through my being, my innermost part. I never thought someone could hurt me like this. And I know I have to let this go.. or it will consume me!! But the only thing I want to be consumed by is God, His love, His mercy…

My heart still aches. I want to be a godly person and inspire people. People who seem to view me as a fraud. People who seem to judge me without walking a mile in my shoes. People who probably have never even taken the time out to get to know me..

But I’m realising that this is where God wants me.. This is the only way He can use me. This is where I need to forgive and look past the hurt, to see their brokenness and to pray for them.

God knows how I try to be a better person, but I fail Him daily. What I post is the person I would like to be, the relationship I’d love to have with my saviour and the life I pray to live. I fail.. daily.. every minute.. every second.. Yet Gods grace is there, to cover all my shame even though I’m battling to get past this.

His grace is sufficient for me..

The only thing that keeps me going is that God knows. I just wish I knew… All I can do is trust Him… and pray!!

Please keep me in your prayers.

With Love always
Zaskia

Advertisements